Searching for Feelings

As close as Shakespeare was to being able to put feelings into words, as one savage might have claimed, Mozart may have been closer. A picture might say a thousand words but music can speak eternity to the soul. “Please dear Father, what are these feelings?” was a call from Julie as she was struggling for an answer to her prayer. The Fantasticks, Saturday’s Warrior, Wicked – What marvelous pieces of art! Todd, Jimmy, Elphaba – All through their “suffering” found a way to express their feelings through music. Lady A in one of their recent hits sang: “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.” I thought I believed that because pain is the easiest feeling to express and it’s the easiest to indulge in. Someone once told me that the only way to grow is through suffering. Since then I have learned that similarly to a muscle that you have to tear to make it grow, you might step outside of your comfort zone to help yourself grow. However if you tear that muscle in half it will not grow back stronger – if you have to suffer you might hurt yourself so bad you won’t make it back. Pain is a dangerous road to travel. For as long as I have know each of those 3 musicals before mentioned I have quoted out loud and to myself more than could be counted, especially Todd and Jimmy. What an unexpected pair. Of course it has been 10 years since I saw the play and probably 15 years since I saw the movie but that moment when Jimmy and Todd are both sitting in the park lost and confused. It is such a shame they cut “Voices” out of the movie. But when Todd starts asking all those questions to Jimmy who had been taught those answers in Sunday school all his life and he realizes he knows the truth. Arrggh!!! It makes it all the more frustrating when I look at myself trying to play both roles, now that is messed up. “Run over here, Run over there… what do I find? Nothing!” Nothing! And back to “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.” And here I am about to turn 31, a senior NCO in the United States Army with a team that either wants to kill some bad guys or peacefully make a difference to a shattered country and I'm wondering: “Who am I? Where am I going? Here I sit, all alone, not knowing why... I’m so discouraged… How it hurts to be a no one. How I wish that I were someone... I’m such a failure. Heaven help me up above… Doubts and fears keep coming faster. Boy I’m headed for disaster that’s for sure.” Last night I was reading in Alma 26 when Ammon’s boasting of how if they had not gone down to the Lamanites then thousands would have never know of the gospel and then after being rebuked by his brother, Aaron, Ammon admits that he knows he is nothing. But then came the part I had never noticed before in verses 17-20 when he recalls their sinful youth and asks: “Why did [God] not consign us to an awful destruction… and doom us to eternal despair?” Because He knew that one day they would change and change the world for the better in doing so. That is the hope, I guess. So there it is: My struggle for meaning in feelings. When I get in these moods I just have to get them out somehow. Normally they stay very private but this time it looks they just might get published. So thanks to anyone who read and even more of a wow if you understood even the slightest bit of what I said.

Failed Goals and the Future

Well the only two goals I actually did before I was 30 was to buy a house and sort of be 185 lbs and 15% body fat. For my house really all I did was sign the papers. It was my wife that did all the hard work. The weight was sort of accidental since I thought I was way over in fat but then I went to Gold's Gym and they had me do the hold the electronic body/fat mass thing and it said I was at 15% at the end of Sept. so there you go. Since I missed so many I figure I should just keep trying, so I will keep working on those goals.

As for the future I really miss not keeping a journal and I can't see any reason to keep this blog unless I am going to update the posts. (I have kept my wish list and calendar up to date very well.) So other goals I am making are to do something note worthy every week. Also to add a new update at least weekly. Also I really don't find opportunities to share testimony things so I am going to try and share some here and there on my blog because then I feel like I am sharing my testimony but never have to be embarrassed knowing who is reading it since no one has ever said anything about this blog but my wife. I don't want to scare anyone away in fact I really hope there are people out there who do read this that is why it is here and don't worry if you let me know you are reading this it will not discourage me from sharing it will only help me have more to say knowing someone has seen it.

So to the Future!!!

End of Summer 2009

Well since it is now the end of summer I think it is time to post and give anyone reading my blog an update.

Mostly I worked. I did get a few days off which was nice. Our family vacation for the summer was a trip up to our family cabin along the Weber River. It was fun to hike, play with cousins, and smell the great air.

Later on Father's Day when our family got together we got to experiment with Diet Coke and Mentos. As you can see that was a success.

Last I got to spend 2 weeks near Boston for some work training. Luckily I spent 4 days or so in Boston touring around. I spent a lot of time walking. It was exciting though. The best part was the climb to the top of the Buncker Hill Monument, all 295 steps. I did some shopping by myself there because I didn't come prepared for walking in the sun. Well my wife said all I needed now was tall socks and a giant camera and I would look like the perfect tourist with my plaid shorts. This made me really sad because I thought it looked good. Obviously I have no sence of fashion.

I guess all that matters is that I enjoyed my summer, even if I am boring and a dork.

Calendar Blog

I think it is funny. I have nothing to say but since I haven't updated this in so long I thought I would add something. Please anyone who cares: I update my runs every time I do run so I have been blogging though my calendar. I know it is strange but running is all I feel like sharing if no one is asking. So I tell a story about my run every time I run. You can read it by clicking on the length I ran on the calendar above. Well I have procrastinated my son's bed time long enough. Good night.

Christmas in a Nut Shell

And I didn't even get any nuts for Christmas. Some how it just isn't Christmas without nuts so this is my nut.

It has been a great season so far. The snow has been fun except for I hate driving in it.

So Christmas Eve I did have to work but they were letting us go early. Unfortunatly I got stuck with a dumb job someone else failed to complete. Welcome to my world. Something at work doesn't get done and suddenly it becomes my job. I don't know. So I had to stay an hour or two longer than everyone else. I still got home 3 hours early and got to play in the snow with my little girl. We (I) made a snowman. My daughter really wanted to make one and I failed to make it with her. I tried to get her to help me push the bottom ball around but the snow wouldn't stick so I ended up just making it like I would a snowball. She didn't like that and tried to make her own. She couldn't so I convinced her one was enough. That night we went to my parents' for a great German dinner with my family and did the Nativity Story. My son made a great sheep but it didn't last long enough to get a picture. Everyone else was great too.

Christmas morning I got up and went running. I was a little later than expected but still started by 6:00am. I was planning on a 30 minute run is all since I haven't been out in over a month. Well at about 18 min out when I was getting ready to turn back I looked up and saw the Timpanogas Temple so close and thought what could be better than running to the House of the Lord on the day we celebrate Christ's birth. So I made it all the way up 1300 W. to 700 N. and over to the temple. It was so wonderful to just stand there outside the fence and look up at the wonderful light with the snow falling all around me and just enjoy the silence of Christmas morning. After that I headed back and just like always at 40 min my knee began to hurt. It happens every time I try and do a 5-6 miler without being in shape. It wasn't bad and I finished the 5 miles in under an hour. I know it was really slow but I wasn't going for speed I was going for the emotion. The picture is of me in my basement office just as I returned from the run. Head lamp still on and all.

Every time I run I wish I had someone to run with. Mostly so I can just talk their ear off. Running means so much to me and I always wish I could share that with someone. Especially when I go on runs for feeling not for fitness.

Christmas morning was magical of course. It was so nice to watch the kids with their gifts even if they started out really timid to dig in as shown in the picture here. After we went to my parents' again to for a great American Christmas lunch. That night we went to the In-laws' for dinner. It was good.

Yesterday we went out to dinner with the other side of my in-laws. After I took the kids out for some fun in the snow. They did a really good job and even my son made it out. He is not as big a fan of snow as my daughter. I pulled them around the sidewalks and streets a little on a sled. They mostly enjoyed that except my son falling over and my daughter getting snow down her boot. Sometimes fun is rough.

And then today: Cleaning!

The half good news: I half way reached my first before 30 goal. I got to 185 lbs. Except it was all fat not muscle. That means I have gained 15 lbs this holiday season. I have never done that before. I guess that is what happens when you get close to 30 years old, stop exercising, and eat nothing but sugar, chocolate, and soda. Oh and my blood pressure went up an average of 30 points and my resting heart rate up about 10 to 20 beats per min. I hate it but it I am just too lazy to look past that blistering cold and make a difference in my health. Maybe I will look into a gym for the new year, at least until it warms up.

Que Frio!!! 很冷!!!

I can't believe it, It was 6 crazy degrees Fahrenheit this morning when I went to my car at 6:30am to go to work. It's Christmas Eve for goodness sake. That was just Utah county though because when I got to work in Draper it was 25 degrees, but a little more wind.

So every Christmas morning at 5:00am or so I wake up and go running outside. (This is the primary reason for my cold complaining. I am not looking forward to the temp tomorrow.) I started this in high school my sophomore year when I was trying to be a hard core runner. It was such an amazing experience I have had to continue it ever since, even if I haven't been running much lately. I used to enjoy running in the cold as long as it was not timed. (It was usually more of a job.)

Anyway that first Christmas morning run it had just lightly snowed the night before so it wasn't too cold and there was no one anywhere on the streets. My across the street neighbor had gone to work since he worked at the airport but I think those were the only tire tracks I could see in our neighborhood. I ran about 4 miles up to Bangerter Highway and around some neighborhoods and back home. I know 7000 South was not as busy as it is these days but it was completely empty and I ran down the middle of the road for most of it. It was so quiet and pleasant. Then while I was in a neighborhood I happened to look over into a lighted window and there was this old lady sitting down with her husband with two big cups of a hot drink (I will assume it was hot cocoa since this is Utah.) It was just so sweet and perfect.

Completely different subject: How do people stay motivated posting on their blog. I mean I see all these people that are so faithful at posting and telling the world their lives but I just can't without the thought that maybe someone, somewhere will read it. And maybe that is what everyone uses as their motivation. I have one person who has subscribed to, "follows," my blog (and that is my wife), and I don't even know if she reads it. Every time I do post I really do hope that there might be some person out there that just might skim past my blog and just think that is cool that that is what he is up to these days. I am not complaining because I am really bad at saying hi to people's blogs and facebooks and stuff because my self-esteem suffers so I always think they will just think "Why is this creep commenting or talking to me?" but still I check out and read everything I can on old friends wondering if they would still talk to me.

So now that I have run off on a completely weird tangent that was probable info that no one cared about:

Merry Christmas!!!

and if I don't post before then or you don't check back

Happy New Year!!!

It's a Boy!

Little Boy Mueller
9 lbs, 8.3 oz
22 in.
12:58 pm

Yeah OK I thought it would be fun to post lots of updates all day but wow it is tiring even for me and I got the easy end of the day. The baby came fine. There was lots of dips in the heart rate and other miner problems but over all it was very quick and easy. I am sure Shandra will post about all the fun of things that just didn't go right but he is here and well.

We got to the hospital at 7:30 am and got admittted to the hospital really quickly. They started the patosin (sp), that worked well. Shandra was quickly put on Oxygen to help counter the boy's heart rate drop. I got Shandra's hospital lunch. I enjoyed that. After the heart rate dropping so much they really pushed to rush everything. That might have been OK but about that time the epidural quit on Shandra. They tried to rush a big dose but it still just didn't cut it completely. Shandra started pushing hard and the baby was coming but just not quick enough so they cut her to give the baby a little more room. It was enough and he came. He was really pale though with a low heart rate and the cord wrapped around his neck once. When the baby was out they checked the IV just to find it not working anymore, so Shandra got a shot. I played photogragher while Shandra got to feel the stiches get put in with the epidural still not working well.

So now Mom and Baby are doing well happily bonding.